In this episode, I reflect on what it means to hold my rhythm, even when it’s challenging AF. If you been keeping up, you know I been big on talking about atoms and the microconnection they have to the o macro connectionmacroconnectiof stars lately. I use the metaphor of the sun—a star that doesn’t shift its light or heat just because someone says they’re cold. If it did, the consequences would be catastrophic for everything in the solar system's orbit. I realized that I’ve done the human version of that—altering my rhythm, light, and presence in past relationships to "FIX" the other partners. And not only did I fail, but it nearly broke me.

This is my story of stepping away from what I know I was supposed to be doing, doing something else, and slowly making my way back through the emotional friction of grief, guilt, and shame, as well as the insecurities that I've been holding on to. I speak like I used to when I was in rhythm, being REAL. You'll hear me talk about being emotionally manipulated, (as hard as that is to admit as someone who identifies as rather emotionally intelligent) about my pattern and concerns of being used as someone so openly visible about my life in general, and about the weight I’ve carried trying to be "good" and take all the accountability for what 2 people were part of. I been holding that in all year and this past week it was put in my face.

But this isn’t just about pain. It’s about transmutation. About how I’ve found my way back to being the regulating presence I am when I’m in alignment—through smudging with First Peoples of the land (Shoutout to Sedalia) in Canada, through pulling doubles in therapy, and through naming what I was most ashamed to admit: that I kept to myself and dumbed myself down not for me to grieve and heal, but out of fear of being made into content, which still happened. I don't bash my ex for anything, I just speak my experience now after very thorough processing with the intention of what the title is, transmitting stigma into healing.

I love her and every version of her I saw during our relationship and after even during her outward version of grief. But this ain't about her, it's about this thing that's bigger than me as it hasn't been. I'm not trying to defend myself. I've been told I'm holding on to something despite how well things are going for me, and it's hard to receive because I'm clinging to my truth and repressing a part of myself that screams to be let out every day before I go to bed and first thing when I wake up.

I very thoughtfully and mindfully share this podcast episode, with intention of communicating my feelings. The same way herpes has taught me lessons in healing, I truly believe the end of my relationship was a much deeper surfacing of my own insecurities which all stem from trying to "save" or "protect" people and ain't no more room for that AND for me to be present as I have been.

This episode is for anyone who’s dimmed their light to be loved, anyone who' feels like they've been used, anyone who's holding on. For anyone still healing and needs a reminder that you don’t need to change who you are. You can make necessary adjustments that support your becoming who you are, but don't let anyone manipulate you into changing who you are.